My straight breaks to Dodemaide's Kookaburra

Craig Dodson | May 25, 2024

Have you ever stood at the top of your bowling mark and seen a Test Cricketer with willow in hand guarding the stumps? I did last weekend and here is the tale.

I arrived at Trinity College in Melbourne last Sunday with the expectation of a pleasant game of cricket with the Australian Cricket Society – essentially a collection of cricket lovers north of the half century mark. My preparation had been elite, that being if you consider elite to be rolling out some tennis ball off-breaks to your 6-year-old the day before, whilst not bothering to sight a real cricket ball or bat since my last cameo 3 months ago.

We were taking the field against the Primary Club (A great Australian Cricketing Charity) and I was pleasantly waiting at the top of my mark when the whispers started to race around my teammates as the new batsman strode to the crease at one for bugger all.

‘Is that Tony Dodemaide’? There was no sight of a 1980s style mullet from my vantage point so I couldn’t be sure until he was 22 yards away. Yes, a confirmed sighting of the bowling all-rounder who graced the test arena 10 times and wore the canary yellow cap for 24 ODIs. Now in his 50s and looking a little more distinguished than in his playing days, but still unmistakably a cricketer from head to toe. The confident batting stance and head to toe sponsored Kookaburra kit circa 1991 immediately spoke of a threat to my bowling figures.

This was not a fair fight – perhaps only the Las Vegas Boxing commission would have sanctioned it.

Yes, granted I wasn’t bowling to Allan Border, however, Tony was a bowling all-rounder with a First Class Batting Average just shy of 30 and a Test half century to boot. The man has a bloody oval in Footscray named after him!

The only cards I can bring to the table is that I was a former first grade cricketer in Wagga Wagga and in the Victorian Turf Cricket Association in Melbourne. Oh, yes and I was quickly spat out of the Sydney Grade cricket scene. It’s like bringing a bread stick to a gun fight.

I did play against Stuart Broad once and did ok, but that was back when I had hair and was not weighed down by a crippling mortgage.

I decided my best chance was to strike early while Tony was finding his feet. I suspected like me he may not have had much recent time at the crease.

I fired in the streak-breaks which were met solidly by his Kookaburra Gold Crown (which may not have seen any oil since Paul Keating was PM). One held up in the pitch and he nearly spooned a catch to mid-wicket. I’m on here I thought!

Tony Dodemaide back in his playing days

Mid over I dreamed of taking his scalp and enduring my wife, kids and the greater Melbourne population with the tale for years to come.

I strode with confidence (yes, arrogance) to my mark for over number two. In turns out Tony’s batting partner wanted to get in on the story. I don’t know his name or back story other than the fact he liked to skip down the wicket and murder anything that wasn’t turning (98% of my balls).

The 4s were flowing like Niagara Falls, whilst Tony looked on from the non-strikers with mild sympathy (most likely dirty he couldn’t cash in himself). After a few overs I was sent to the paddock for a spell like an ageing Trotter who had placed 13th in its last start at Mount Gambier.

While I was pondering my lot in life down at fine leg, Dodemaide was striking the ball crisply and looking every bit a player of pedigree. Shots in the V, gaps found and timing the centre piece. My mind drifted to when I first fell in love with the game back in the mid-80s as an impressionable kid in Wagga Wagga and I had those McDonalds posters on the wall. Close to 40 years later here I am unsuccessfully trying to match cricketing wits with one of the blokes from the bloody poster!

I’m called back into the attack with Dodemaide well set.

I pitch full… gracefully deposited straight back over my head for 4.

I pitch short….brutally pulled over square leg for six.

I pitch on a good length…. Doesn’t matter, as it’s lofted over mid-on for 4 again.

I have run out of options. I need to get through the over with some shred of dignity. The six steps of my run up feel like 36 as I fire a few down leg side just to try and not get belted again.

Big Sam our captain throws in the towel and my time at the bowling crease is finished.

To be honest I can’t recall ever coping such a pasting – 5 overs, no maidens (not even close) and none for 37! Thanks for coming to this balding 43 year old who is now allergic to cricket nets.

Later in the day I made my way to the crease and knocked up and unconvincing half dozen, before I tried to take on the only bloke in the field the right side of 50 and was run out by 2 foot.

Tony bowled either side of my innings and while the legs looked a little heavy he still had a beautiful rhythmical action and could land it on a 10 cent coin.

What would have happened if I faced him? Only the cricketing gods will know. I was convinced that if the opportunity arose I was going to have a dip and try and go large. In theory this sounded great, but the reality would probably have been that my off-stump would have ended up a casualty.

As I slumped in my $7 camping chair at the end of the day to ponder if I would be able to move tomorrow without the aid of some sort of hydraulic lift system my 6 year-old came up for a chat.

‘Dad, it’s pretty cool you played against that other old bloke who used to play for Australia.’ I can’t wait to play for Australia one day. Can we go and get Pizza now?’

All of us who play the game fall in love with it at some point in time, for me it was the mid-80s. Today was an unexpected opportunity and thrill to share a cricketing field with one of those legendary figures of my childhood and for a brief moment recapture that feeling.

Yes, I came up well short. With age though comes perspective (and the ability to make a weird grunting sound when getting up from a chair), so I am sure that in time I’ll look back on the pasting with fondness.  

A piece of advice for anyone playing against Tony Dodemaide in the future – it would be prudent to visit the nets sometime in the preceding 3 months and if you don’t have the ability to land it on a good length regularly, then spread your field. Oh, and he is a ripping bloke who just loves the game like the rest of us.

NB: To buy a copy of the book (only $20 with profits to charity) about my epic cricketing adventure last summer playing cricket for 11 different clubs while raising funds for mental health Charity Gotcha4Life visit https://inhousebookstore.com.au/products/a-view-of-australia-from-fine-leg