Harpo's tales - "Sledging" - Stories from the late, great Neil Marks. An absolute NDCC legend
Northern District Cricket Club Sydney | October 15, 2024
In the main, there was not a lot of sledging in my era of cricket. Yet don’t ever believe those that say “there was no sledging in the old days.” Indeed when I was playing first grade as a baby-faced youngster I promise you, boys and girls, I was given my share. As the opposition captain crowded his team around me remarks between fieldsmen were the norm. “Hullo, we’ve got an escapee from kindergarten here!” And “Do you wear a box inside your nappy, little boy?” I was playing one of these early grade games against Randwick at Coogee Oval, a district where my father played and was a bit of a folk hero. Former NSW bowler Bill (‘Snarler’) Beath sledged me when I played at, and missed, his first ball. “You’ll never be as good as your father,” Snarler snarled at me.
Batting up the other end my friend and mentor, Jimmy Burke, answered, “No, Snarler, he probably won’t be as good as his dad, but he’s a helluva lot better than his mum.”
In a way I was probably asking for it. You see, I was brought up to be a well mannered youth (a fact that will no doubt fill those who know me with disbelief) and I always treated older people with respect – especially umpires. Thus I’d walk out to bat, take block and say, “Two legs please, Sir.” This was a dead giveaway, for not only did I look young but the word ‘Sir’ announced to the other captain that I was one of those toffee-nosed private school kids who were used to playing against their peers and lived by the motto, “The game’s the thing!” Whereas the opposition captain was leading a group of gum chewing, former reformatory-school old-boys who believed in the motto, “When you’ve got the opposition down – put the slipper in.” Therefore, I soon changed my initial form of address. The next season I said, “Two legs please umpire.” The following season I left out ‘please’ and changed ‘umpire’ to ‘ump’ and, the season after that, started to call the men in the white coats by their name or nickname; “Two legs, Ted / Rocky,” etc. As I grew older I changed my way of taking block to just sticking up the first two fingers of my right hand – the time honoured way of a batsman asking for ‘two legs’. This gesture had the added advantage of making the ump reflect; does Harpo want block or is that what he thinks of my umpiring? Later on in my career I was captain and it was my job to write the Umpire’s Efficiency Reports. Sometimes seniority has its advantages! You see, once I began to do the umps’ reports I can honestly say I was never given out on a rough decision. Mind you, I was also given not out on quite a few of roughies, which were!
Cricket is a game for humorists; a game that can make you laugh even when you’re in the heat of battle and down. Thus sledging has its part; not personal, nasty sledging or bigoted, racist stuff but sledging with a twist. Like the over Lennie Pascoe bowled to the Sydney University post-graduate batsman at Uni Oval one Saturday afternoon.
Lennie was born to be an opening bowler. He was built like the proverbial brick outhouse and his pace varied between fast, faster and ‘give it everything you’ve got’. If the captain ever suggested that Lennie bowl a ‘slower ball’ the captain would end up flat on his back for insulting Lennie’s manhood. On the field, Lennie was the nastiest bastard ever to wear flannels – off the field he was a bloke who would drink with his opposition and talk cricket until the bar closed. I played Lennie a few times and he always endeavoured to part my head from my shoulders but despite this we have become mates and talked. Actually, compared to Lennie, I am the silent type!
So there was Lennie, this sunny afternoon on the beautiful Uni Oval bowling to a well educated batsman who couldn’t bat much. The first ball was a bumper (surprise, surprise) which was nicked to the keeper and dropped. Lennie stood in the middle of the wicket and cussed and sledged and gesticulated. The next ball was cut through the slips for 4 – Lennie cursed the Fates, well educated batsmen and slip-fielders with defective reflexes. The third ball hit the batsman on the top of his arm which badly bruised the shoulder and wore some shine off the ball – Lennie then had a few more words to say. The fourth ball missed the bat and hit the middle stump, nearly impaling the keeper. Always one for the last word, Lennie called to the departing batsman, “Cop that, professor and I’ll do the same to you in the second innings.”
The batsman pulled off his gloves, shrugged his shoulders and replied, “You know, you are probably right. But I’ll tell you what, Lennie, “I’ll beat you at Scrabble!”
In future yarns, I’ll mention other sledging incidents – they are plentiful and funny. If they are not funny, but hurtful, they are not worth mentioning.
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