Big Red

Shane Lee | May 09, 2023

Underneath the Southern Cross I stand, a sprig of wattle in my hand. A native of our native land, Australia you bloody beauty! Second verse, same as the first.

That is the entire version of the Australian team song, sang by the boys after every Test win, ODI and 20/20 series win.

“Australia you bloody beauty” is a true reflection of this great country we live in. In particular, the country and regional areas of this great land that provide so many of our sporting elite.

Cricket, in particular, has enjoyed the fruits of regional Australia. Think Taylor, Slater, Lawson, McGrath, Gilchrist and Bradman to name a few. These cricketing greats all had the laidback, tough, hardworking country upbringings. Born out of the hardships our farmers and country folk often have to endure through bushfires, drought and now floods!

In 1998 the Mosman cricket club discovered a tall fast bowler from Newcastle, Big Red his nickname. Big Red stood six foot six, weighed 85kgs and bowled with raw aggression. Like most lads from the country, he was eager to learn and demonstrated an aptitude for hard work. Furthermore, his laid back almost laissez-faire approach to sport and life was refreshing.

“She’ll be right, Ah!”

Pre-season that year, Big Red showed real potential. His McGrath like bowling action, coupled with his six foot six frame and giant feet made him a real find for the Mosman Club. To the point, we decided to pick him first up in the first-grade team.

“Big Red, congratulations you will be starting in first grade round one.”

 “Seriously mate? I thought I bowled shit, ah!”

 “Mate just keep working hard and you can only get better.”

 “I hope so, ah”

Like most grade cricketers playing every Saturday, the rest of the week was taken up with employment of some sort. Big Red was a baker. He would start baking bread at 2.00am each day before travelling down the motorway from Newcastle to Sydney after his shift, to start in first grade at 10.30am. Excited about his upcoming first-grade debut, Big Red was practising his bowling action with bread rolls on his morning shift. Forgetting he stood six foot six, he cut his bowling hand on the ceiling fans as bowled another bread roll bouncer into the Pompei Oven.

Due to his injury, his first-grade debut was probably only a par score. In saying that, he showed enough promise to warrant selection in the team next week.

“How did you feel you went Big Red?”

“Pretty shit, ah. My fingers are killing me”

“Well, no bowling in the bakery before next week’s match.”

Like all team mates, the boys were keen to understand more about our new big fast bowling redhead from the country.

“Big Red, what's your story, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Nah mate, I’m twenty years old and I’m still a virgin.”

“Really?”

“Yep, it’s not easy when you’re six foot six, have shoes as big as Ronald McDonald, bright red hair and struggle to communicate with the opposite sex.”

“Big Red stick with Hughesy and the boys, they will show you the ropes.”

Five years and 50 odd first and second grade games later, including a second-grade premiership, Big Red was still yet to meet the girl of his dreams.

“Big Red, are you off the mark yet?”

“Nah mate, not even close.”

The end of the season culminated in the Mosman Ball at the RS Club, Military Road in Mosman. This year the theme was fancy dress.

Big Red being a great team man went out of his way to dress up. The site of a six-foot-six fast bowler walking into a function dressed head to toe as Chewbacca is a site I’ll take to the grave!

“Big Red, Why Chewbacca?“

“I thought we both have a similar limited vocabulary and quite frankly, it was the only costume that fitted me.”

Apologies for the Star Wars reference here, but on that night the stars aligned. Also at the Mosman Ball was a young single lass dressed as Princess Leia. As the record shows the Princess also had a celebrity crush on none other than Chewbacca himself. Without going into detail, Princess Leia and Chewbacca left arm in arm that night, kissing and holding hands still completely dressed in their costumes.

 

The following day we all met up at the Oaks Hotel for lunch and a debrief. Waiting for us was Big Red with a smile bigger than Luna Park!

“Boys I’m off the mark, finally!”

The cheers that erupted following that statement were almost as loud as the MCG on Grand Final day.

“Hughesy, why didn’t you tell me five years ago that all I needed to do was wear a frigging Gorilla suit? It could have saved me thousands of dollars on drinks and a thousand awkward chats with girls.”

“Did you get her number Big Red?”

“Yes but she doesn’t even know what I look like. She wouldn’t let me take off the mask and I don’t even know what her real name is. I had to call her Princess all night!”

I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard.

It is still legend at the Mosman Cricket Club that Big Red never returned the Chewbacca costume and it has pride of place in his wardrobe at home, purely for nostalgic reasons. And, I suppose the moral of the story is that when push comes to shove, you are better off to be Chewbacca than to go through life Hans Solo.

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