Short cricket stories with Mark Van Epen
Mark Van Epen | March 15, 2023
I was playing a 2nd grade for Balmain against St. George at Hurstville Oval. I was fielding at silly leg and Andrew Jones was bowling with the new ball. Andrew was 19 at the time and was one of the fastest bowlers in grade cricket. The batsman went for a full blooded on drive and got a thick edge straight into my mouth. The force removed one of my large upper front teeth and snapped two of my lower front teeth. I was a very sick guy and was rushed off to St. George Hospital where they stitched up my mouth and forced my two lower teeth upright. I then went to an emergency dentist to have exposed nerves removed and my two lower teeth glued together. I returned to Hurstville Oval feeling very unwell. My vice captain Terry McMahon quizzed me as to how I was feeling. I put on a brave face and said I was okay. He asked me for reassurance that I was okay, and I said I was. Upon this Terry stated “you know what Mark, I reckon you should have swallowed that catch”.
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1st grade game Balmain v Gordon at Drummoyne Oval. Was the greenest wicket anyone had ever seen. Mark O’Neill was batting against Andrew Jones and the ball flew off the wicket, hit him in the helmet and knocked him out. After awakening and reassuring us he was okay we told him the bad news that he was out as his helmet had fallen onto the stumps and dislodged the bails. Quick as a flash Mark pulled out a $20 note from his pocket and said, “here is $20 so the groundsman can buy a lawn mower”.
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Captaining 2nd grade for Balmain one day. A big partnership had developed and my vice-captain ”Thommo” asked me “how much would you like a wicket Mark”. I said I would kill for a wicket. Thommo responded “well give me an over and I will mankad the #*!#+”. I told him to go to fine leg.
The next season I was in 1st grade and Thommo was the 2nd grade captain. I looked in the paper on the Sunday to check how the other grades went. Under the 2nd grade results it stated under Mosman’s innings “A Milenko 62 (mankad)”. I rang Thommo up and asked him what happened. He said the opposition batsmen were in a big partnership. He gave himself one over and mankadded the opposition captain and the other batsman in his anger tried to hit him out of the park and skied one and got caught.
The year before I thought he was only joking.
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Thommo again. 2nd grade game for Balmain. Once again Thommo was annoying me, so I sent him down to fine leg. We were clapping an opposition batsman off who had batted really well. Thommo runs up from fine leg and says “I don’t know why you are clapping him. He was out when he was 3.” I said, “what are you talking about?”. He said “when he was 3 he picked up the ball and threw it back to the bowler. I appealed at fine leg for ‘handled ball’ but the umpire didn’t hear me”.
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Last one. Playing for Umina Beach in a 1st grade match in the NSW Central Coast competition. I was fielding in close with Dave Frazer and Gary Olsen. A wicket falls and the new batsman arrives at the crease. Dave says to Gary and I “this guy has come on in the middle of a hat trick”. After playing and missing a couple of balls Dave says to Gary “I bet you $5 this bloke gets a duck”. Gary gave this some thought and then responded, “no I can’t take that bet Dave.”
